This week's step in the God Sized Dream challenge is: What’s one fear you’ve encountered on the way to your God-sized dream? And what’s the truth that’s bigger than that fear?
Wow. Fear? Really?
This whole journey is nothing but fear for me. I couldn't even say what my deep down real God Sized Dream is because of fear. Instead I chose obedience as my God Sized Dream. Now, I'm not saying that obedience is not an important dream to follow. I still believe that obedience was the right choice for this challenge. As long as I am obedient, everything else will fall into place.
When I first contemplated following this weekly challenge. What I really wanted to do, was write more. Or rather just write, period. I really wanted to put some effort into writing for once. But I'm so afraid of saying it out loud that I couldn't use it for the challenge.
So, yes I have encountered fear along the way. What specifically am I afraid of? That is more difficult to pinpoint. There are so many things to be afraid of when you step out in faith and do something you believe God has gifted you to do.
I think the biggest one for me though is "being thought of as not capable".
What makes me think that I can do any of the things that I dream of doing? I don't have any experience. I don't have college education. I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to the publishing process.
I am just an ordinary wife and mother. Does anyone even really care what I have to say? Am I just fooling myself that I can do this? Is there any hope at all that I could publish a book one day?
I just don't know. And it nags at me everyday. With every word that I write. Every idea I have for a devotion is riddled with self doubt. I reread things I have written and it sounds awful to me. I watch speakers I admire on stage and know I could never do what they do.
I know some of you reading this will disagree with me. I appreciate that more than you know.
This is my reality. I am filled with fear about pursuing what I dream of doing. So much so that I don't even know how to handle the second part of this week's challenge. "What's one truth that is bigger than your fear?"
I just don't know if there is truth bigger than the fear I face with this. I have been given encouragement from one of the top agents in the business and I still second guess. If I can't believe her, who can I believe?
Truth is, I know God is bigger than my fears. I know God can do more than I can ever imagine with this. I know God is with me every step of the way. It is such a roller coaster of ups and downs and the bad stuff is easier to believe sometimes. Because not only do I wonder "what business do I have wanting to write a book?" But I also wonder "Why would God want to do anything for me?" I don't deserve his favor.
And so I don't know if this week any progress is being made towards my God-Sized Dream. I've rambled on in this post about my fears in the process. I've said it out loud so to speak. And even though nothing has changed about my fear, I've written about it here on this blog. That in itself is a step forward.
I have taken time to write. I have set that fear aside for just a few minutes and allowed the words to flow from my fingertips without any thought to how they will be received. My only thought is to write because it is what God has asked me to do, today. Tomorrow He may not ask me to write anything. I might not write anything again until next week. When I write again, what I write and where my writing goes is out of my hands. I cannnot allow fear to stop me from obeying God.
So for today, I have replaced that fear with this truth.
God is the guiding force in my life. When he speaks, I listen. What he asks, I do.
Even if I feel incapable.