Saturday, October 8, 2011

Day 8

Midlife Crisis?

When you allow God into your life, there will be times when he messes with you.

I turned 40 this year. Yes, I know it’s a cliché to be focused on that number and to let it affect me.

But I really think it has.

What’ve I got? Maybe another 40 years if I’m lucky? At 80 I’ll have maybe 10 more years of who knows what condition of life?  And if the first 40 went by this fast, the next will be even faster.

40 years of my life gone. Time I cannot get back. Things said and done out there forever whether good or bad with no way to change them.   Regrets over things not done, things not said. Four more years and my daughter will be out from under my guidance and my son shortly thereafter.

As much as I am happy with my life right now, and I am- don’t let these posts give you the idea that I am unhappy. I still find myself wondering if I could be doing things better. I still sometimes feel like I’ve wasted so many years just kind of floundering around playing at life and not quite getting it right.

There are times when I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

And there are times when I’m glad I can’t.

Sadly, I think that is the definition of midlife crisis.

Ugh!!!  Is that really what is happening to me? Should I be running out to the salon to color my hair? Or should I get a new wardrobe? New car? New furniture? I’ve never had a midlife crisis before so I don’t know if this is normal or not. Maybe I should climb a mountain or run a 5K or something.A few months ago, I would have thought that was all I needed to get over this, just do something outrageous and I would feel better. Little did I know that “outrageous” doesn’t always mean climbing a mountain. Although this feels like I’m mountain climbing.  It doesn’t even mean I have to get in shape and run a 5K, but it’s like I’m in a race. I don’t need to run out and get a tattoo either, but I know it will leave a mark.

Some people would say that this is something that everyone goes through. And I believe it is. But there is a difference between what I’m going through and what other people go through. I’m seeing this at a deeper level. 

I’m seeing this for what it is. God messing with me.

It’s no coincidence that I’m having these feelings and at the same time I’m seeing this theme of thankfulness everywhere.

As odd as it sounds, I’m thankful for what is happening to me right now. I am thankful for the regrets, the feelings of dissatisfaction. I am thankful to be at a point in my life when I want to change things.

And isn’t it just like God? In the midst of all of these crazy feelings and questions, coming right back around and being thankful for all of it?

Thankful for a midlife crisis? Who would’ve thought?


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