Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Midweek Update-First Day of School

I cried today.
Two months ago I packed up and moved to a new state without knowing anyone after living in the same place my whole life and I didn't shed a tear.
Today when I took my son to school for the first day and had to pull over because he was so nervous he threw up, I couldn't hold it together.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop it.  I cried while I talked to his teacher and told her what was happening.  I cried when I tried to convince him that he wasn't sick,  just nervous.  I cried when he finally went into his class room despite how afraid he was.  I sat in the lobby of the school for 30 minutes waiting to see if he would be ok, and I cried.  I sat in the car for another 10 minutes waiting, and I cried some more. I cried the whole way home.
And now here I sit typing this and I'm still crying.
It was his decision to go to school so I never expected him to be nervous.  I knew I'd be upset, but I never thought he would be.  I've been sad about him wanting to go to school because he originally said he wanted me to home school him again, so I was planning on having him home all year.  I'm disappointed that I won't have more time to homeschool.  I really liked it and was looking forward to a new year.
It took all my strength not to bring him back home with me this morning.  He was a mess and my heart broke for him.
Then I couldn't bear to leave, because what if he needed me?  He asked me to wait for a little while to make sure he was ok.  What if he comes out of his class and I'm not there?  Will he think I abandoned him?  Will he think I lied and didn't stay?  Then I thought, what if the other kids make fun of him because he was crying on the first day of school?  What if they are mean to him? The more I think about what could be going through his mind or what could be happening, I get more upset.   I really should stop.  But I just can't.
He was just so afraid.  I could see it in is eyes. 
Then I sat there on the bench in the lobby and just waited, crying.  People walked past and I could see the pity in their eyes.
Hopefully my daughter was ok. I couldn't even go see if she needed anything because I was taking care of my son. I had to just send her off to middle school on her own and hope for the best. 
I'm a rotten mother.  I don't even know if my daughter found her first class ok.  Middle school isn't easy either.  We couldn't find her belt this morning so she will probably be singled out for that.  She may end up sitting alone for lunch.  Or getting lost.  Or worse, having a "female issue".
Great, more tears.
I thought I'd come home and get some things done around the house, but I can see that is not going to happen.  It doesn't look like I'll be much use today.
I think I'll just go back to bed until it's time to pick them up from school.

Josey

4 comments:

  1. hugs hugs hugs.... my first day of school story was very similar to yours... but you know what? they did just fine!!!! and you're NOT a horrible mother! get those lies right out of your head!!!!!

    we moved this summer as well so I shipped all 4 of them off to new schools monday. kindergarden, 3rd grade, 6th grade and 8th grade... my daughter i feared for the worst... but she was just fine!!!

    hugs hugs hugs!!!

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  2. Joesy, I'm sorry you are having such a difficult day. I just ready the email you sent us at StepUP. One of us will get back with you today.

    I just wanted to visit your website and saw your struggling heart. I remember a day like that when I moved here over 12 years ago. I wish I could recall the verse in Psalm God sent me to when I had a similar day. But, I DO remember what message He gave. He's the one who brought me to the strange town and he was there before the moving truck even arrived. That small thought comforted my heart and allowed me to find the blessings in the remainder of that painful day.

    Blessing to you in your new home.

    shona

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  3. Josey, I came over to visit from the email you sent to StepUP.

    Oh how my heart goes out to you! We just moved to the city we live in now last January. It was so hard and it is still hard watch my son struggle to make friends.

    I homeschooled him for 5 years and then last year he wanted to go to school. i loved our days together. I cherished the times I read out loud to him. The times I saw the "lights" go on in his mind when he understood something he was learning. I miss all that. I totally get it.

    You are a terrific mother. Like Heather said, "Get those lies right out of your head!" The devil wants you to think that! Please dont give into those tactics. Keep the phone close, but go on with your day.

    Get ready because God has great things for you! He has some awesome plans for your life--to prosper you and give you a hope and a future! (Jer 29:11)

    God has got some great things in mind for those precious children of yours too!

    Sing some praise songs (I think of that because its playing on your blog page) and it will lift up your spirit.

    Blessings to you Josey!
    Shonda

    P.S. I did reply to your email.

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  4. I know the hopes,desires,dreams,prayers,and thoughts you have for your children. I also know The One who put them there.He is molding them just as He is molding us,and sometimes it ain't pretty!!You are not alone in this walk my friend,and neither are they.

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