I cried today.
Two months ago I packed up and moved to a new state without knowing anyone after living in the same place my whole life and I didn't shed a tear.
Today when I took my son to school for the first day and had to pull over because he was so nervous he threw up, I couldn't hold it together.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop it. I cried while I talked to his teacher and told her what was happening. I cried when I tried to convince him that he wasn't sick, just nervous. I cried when he finally went into his class room despite how afraid he was. I sat in the lobby of the school for 30 minutes waiting to see if he would be ok, and I cried. I sat in the car for another 10 minutes waiting, and I cried some more. I cried the whole way home.
And now here I sit typing this and I'm still crying.
It was his decision to go to school so I never expected him to be nervous. I knew I'd be upset, but I never thought he would be. I've been sad about him wanting to go to school because he originally said he wanted me to home school him again, so I was planning on having him home all year. I'm disappointed that I won't have more time to homeschool. I really liked it and was looking forward to a new year.
It took all my strength not to bring him back home with me this morning. He was a mess and my heart broke for him.
Then I couldn't bear to leave, because what if he needed me? He asked me to wait for a little while to make sure he was ok. What if he comes out of his class and I'm not there? Will he think I abandoned him? Will he think I lied and didn't stay? Then I thought, what if the other kids make fun of him because he was crying on the first day of school? What if they are mean to him? The more I think about what could be going through his mind or what could be happening, I get more upset. I really should stop. But I just can't.
He was just so afraid. I could see it in is eyes.
Then I sat there on the bench in the lobby and just waited, crying. People walked past and I could see the pity in their eyes.
Hopefully my daughter was ok. I couldn't even go see if she needed anything because I was taking care of my son. I had to just send her off to middle school on her own and hope for the best.
I'm a rotten mother. I don't even know if my daughter found her first class ok. Middle school isn't easy either. We couldn't find her belt this morning so she will probably be singled out for that. She may end up sitting alone for lunch. Or getting lost. Or worse, having a "female issue".
Great, more tears.
I thought I'd come home and get some things done around the house, but I can see that is not going to happen. It doesn't look like I'll be much use today.
I think I'll just go back to bed until it's time to pick them up from school.