Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday

Sorry, the title is catchier.
It's Friday, it's raining, and I'm facing a weekend without my husband. This weekend is the men's retreat at our church. My husband will be gone until Sunday afternoon.
It's hard.
Not the doing everything around the house. I don't mind that so much.
It's hard being without my husband.
I miss him.
We've been married 14 years and honestly I haven't always felt this way. Sure, I loved my husband and I did my best to honor him through our marriage. But miss him when he's away? In the beginning years, not so much. And he's been away several times throughout our married life. He spent 4 days in Virginia once for training, 5 days in Texas for training, 1 week in Minnesota for strike duty. There were other times to, that I don't even remember.
My point is, it wasn't until recently that I really started to miss him on these trips. Of course I didn't like when he was away, but most of the time it was because I felt like I was doing everything on my own.
In February of this year he went to Guatemala on a mission/construction trip. While he was away I wrote a letter to him everyday. It started out as a way to let him know what happened while he was away, but they turned into love letters.
You see, I loved my husband but I had never given my whole heart to him. During his time in Guatemala, I realized I had held part of myself back from him. I was always just a little unemotional and detached at times. I think it was a way to keep from getting hurt. If I didn't give everything, then it couldn't hurt as much if there was disappointment. These were the left over damages from my teenage years. Those years when I gave too much of myself to someone who didn't aprpeciate it.
I didn't know I was doing it, until I felt how much I missed him this time when he went away. That's when I knew a piece of me open up. And finally after 14 years I can not only say I love my husband, but I am desparately "in love" with him.
He's a wonderful man. He takes good care of me and our kids. He works hard. He serves at church faithfully and selflessly. He helps me around the house. He truly is the man of my dreams.
And through it all, I see him striving to be a Godly man every day and I'm inspired by it.
Oh and boy does he put up with alot from me.

But the down side is, now he's going away for the retreat and I'm so sad. It has put me in a bad mood today. I've been a little edgy and my "ugly" came out with my kids this afternoon. When I took sometime to calm down and pray, I realized why. I'm going to miss him and it hurts.
The hurt that I've been trying to avoid my whole life and never wanted to feel.
It's hard.
Really, really, hard.
Allowing someone complete access to your heart, is hard.
But I've come to realize that in life, many things with the greatest reward are the hardest.
I'm happier now in my marriage than I've ever been, so it's worth the hard.

And so, I'll be alone with my kids this weekend, rushing to answer the phone when he calls like some love struck teenager and all the while counting the time till he gets home.

You know, I've said this before, these posts tend to take on a life of their own. I sit down to write them and sometimes I have a plan, and other times they just happen.
Today was one of those times when it just happened.
I think I said more than I intended.
But I'll post it anyway and put it out there for all to read.
I like to think that God is guiding these posts and maybe someone out there needs to read it.
Maybe it's my husband.....

josey



No comments:

Post a Comment