Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Fear

It's Tuesday.
Normally I post on Monday. I also usually post on Friday. But if you look back the last time I actually posted was Wednesday.
Even today, I'm struggling with posting.
It would be easy to say I don't know why. Or, I'm blocked and the words aren't coming.
That's not true.
The real reason.....hold on now.....wait for it....
I'm afraid.
Let me explain. Recently I've been telling more people about this blog. When I first started it, it was for myself, and a few of my friends. Lately, though I've felt the tug. You know what I'm talking about. The TUG. That nagging little feeling that God wants you to do something. The one you try to ignore. The one you sometimes think you are wrong about. That's the one.
The tug I've been feeling has been to share this blog with more people. Now, whether or not they will like it and keep coming back to see what I've shared, is another thing. God doesn't want me to worry about that. He just wants me to tell people about it.
Why does that scare me? Because of the same reason other things scare me. I'm a weak, self absorbed sinner who desires the approval of others. I've been nervous about posting because I know there are more people reading and I feel like the pressure is on. I want them to like it. I want them to want to come back and read. I want them to be inspired by God through my words, the way I've been inspired by God through His.
I, I, I, I..... Did you notice all the I's?
You see my dilema.
While there is nothing wrong on the surface with wanting those things. My fear now is that it will consume me. That I will become more sefl absorbed and worried about what I'm doing for people instead of what God will do through me for His people.
This happens to me all the time. There's something I want, I pray for it or about it, God answers me, but it requires obedience and faith on my part, it becomes too scary for me to handle, and I back off. Especially if I start to actually do something, like writing.
A few months ago I actually started a book. I wrote like crazy for a few days. The words were just flowing, the ideas coming rapidly. I showed some of it to my good friend from church. She edited it for me, which was more than I could have expected from her and I am grateful. She also did something else, she told me it was good. That was it, instant fear. I haven't wrote a word since.
Can you believe that?
And it's not because I don't have ideas. Ever since I opened the door for writing I've had so many ideas I don't know what to do with them. My mind is swimming in words and chapters. I've written entire books in my head.
And I wonder why I sometimes forget food on the stove, or to close the front door when I leave the house.
It happened again recently with something else. My husband and I have considered adoption. For awhile we were talking international adoption. Recently my husband came to me and said he would like to consider domestic adoption, possibly fostering a child first. I was very excited when he first told me. Considering he had originally said he wasn't sure he wanted to pursue adoption at all. The expense of an international adoption was discouraging. So he told me to go ahead and call this woman from our church who has fostered in the past and adopted two children from it. I called and spoke with her yesterday, but when my husband came home and he asked me if I called her. All I said was, Yes.
I didn't give him any details about what she told me or anything. My excitment was on the back burner (probably burning because I've left it there while my mind unscrambles words).
That's when it hit me. I was afraid to move forward.
It's not that I don't believe or have faith, I'm just afraid to do my part. Afraid it will be too difficult, or too time consuming, or it won't work out, or I won't be able to handle it.
What I tend to forget is, God doesn't ask us to do something without giving us what we need to do it. He never expects us to go it alone. Which is why I think he asks us to do things that we feel are difficult. If he asked us to do things that were easy, we wouldn't need Him.
We always need Him. Even if we don't want Him, or realize he's there for us.

So today I'm praying.
I'm praying to be obedient.
I'm praying to stop being afraid.
Will you join me?

Josey

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your openness! I will pray for you!!
    Deb

    ReplyDelete