Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Questions

I think something is wrong with me. Not physically, I wouldn't want to worry anyone. I mean mentally, or emotionally or maybe spiritually. I'm not sure how to explain it, but for the last few days I have felt very frustrated with things. I know some of it was hormonal. I had a really rough time this month for some reason, still not sure why. Underneath it all, I think there was something else going on.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed about alot of things. At church we have soooo much going on and I seem to be right in the middle of it. I put myself there, with all the areas I'm serving in. But it's times like this that I feel like I'm doing too much. I feel like I can't handle it all.
Is there ever such a thing as too much? Should there ever be such a thing as too much? We are supposed to serve right? Sometimes I wonder though. Am I serving where I should be? Am I serving too much?
At home, there are alot of uncertainties right now. Homeschooling while working, Homeschooling in general. (am I doing the right thing? will it really work? will my kids be ok?) Financial things. Relationship things. Job things.
I seem to go back and forth between filling my time and thoughts with lots of stuff but then craving the quiet, unfilled times. It's weird. Almost like I'm searching for something. I've always thought and felt that there is something I'm supposed to be doing. All my life I've had this feeling like I was going to do something. And I seem to be always on the look out for it. I've never been one of those people who knows what they want to do and then does it. I feel like I've never fully explored myself or my talents. Right now there seem to be so many things I want to do, that I'm always juggling them. And there never seems to be enough time to do everything I want to.
And the things that I am doing, I'm failing at.
My husband made a comment to me recently when I asked him about it. He said he wished I would just pick something and follow through with it. He said I always get an idea, start something, and then give up and stop.
Wow. That hits me dead center.
How do I figure out what's important? How do I let go of things I want to do, but don't seem to have time for? How do I balance "myself" with my responsibilities? How do I put into practice everything I think I've learned and know?
Maybe I'm just ADD or is it ADHD or it could be OCD, no I don't think that is right. Some other type of D then. I could make up my own. How about IDD (InDecisive Disorder) Oh, how about this one SSD (Selfcentered Sinner Disorder)
That might be it.
I've prayed about these things many times to try to get answers, sometimes I think I have an answer then other times I'm not sure. Hence, the indecisivness. Yes and the selfcenteredness, becaue I'm constantly praying about myself.
Here is a list of things I've put before God recently. Maybe another perspective might help.
-Writing(my dream and desire, but is it practical and achievable?)
-Starting a business(would help financially, is it necessary, and am I capable?)
-My job(will I eventually have to give it up because of homeschooling? Am I holding on for selfish reasons?)
-Adoption(should we?)
-Moving(this is really a family issue, not just mine)
-Serving at church(where? how much?)
-Ministry oppportunities(outside of church, where? how much?)
-My relationship with my husband and children(not doing a good job here, need help)

Additional prayers are always welcome.
Josey

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