Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 38.
I'm two years away from the big 40. I'm not upset about it. Really I'm not.
I knew someone once who when she turned 40 she said she wasn't upset about being 40, but she was upset because she thought by the time she reached 40 she would be in a better place spiritually. What does that mean? I thought. Is that just a more spiritual way of saying you're having a mid life crisis? I didn't really know at the time.
After awhile I started to understand what she meant. I guess after so much time of sin, repent, pray, try harder, sin, repent, pray, try harder, sin, repent, pray, try harder... you get the picture, sooner or later you start to think that eventually that round and round will stop and you will get it together. But what does it mean to have it all together?
I really don't know. We won't ever be perfect so it can't mean that. Maybe it just means that the routine (sin, repent, pray, try harder) becomes easier or maybe it means we understand the routine more. I don't think it means the routine ever stops.
That doesn't mean that I don't think there are things I won't ever get control of. I do believe that God can deliver us from certain sinful behaviors completely if he so chooses, and sometimes he does. But the reality is, I will continue to struggle and thus repeat the routine, for a long time.
So I wonder, when I reach 40 will I feel regret at not being in a better place?
In the meantime I'm only 38, I still have two years (I'm counting down) and alot can change during those two years. At least that is what I'm hoping and praying for.
Besides, right now I'm worried more about the gray hair(s) I've been finding.
Thanks for stopping by,