It's Wednesday night. We've just gotten home from church and I have to tell you I'm feeling very aggrivated and out of sorts. I don't get to sit in on the service since I serve as the Pioneer Club Director, so this has nothing to do with the sermon. That would be much easier. No, I'm feeling aggrivated and out of sorts because it has been a busy day and it is after 9:00 pm and my kids are still up and I want to go to bed and start all over tomorrow.
Coming home on Wednesday nights always leaves me frazzled. We don't get home until 8:30 which is already past my son's bed time. Then I have to get ready for the next day of school, which means packing lunches and making sure stuff in the dryer is dry and clothes in the washer get switched over to the dryer because chances are something in there is going to be needed in the morning. Then, it seems I'm always hauling stuff in from the car and putting it in its place in the house. And there is always stuff all over the house that I have to haul from one room to the next. And while I'm trying to type this, I'm hearing "Mommy?" for the one millionth time since we walked in the door. Oh and did I mention it's almost "that time of the month"?
Any minute now I'm going to lose it and scream.
And yet, I had such a bright moment earlier it makes me wonder how I could go down hill so fast. I borrowed a copy of "What happens when women say yes to God" by Lysa Terkeurst. I have been wanted to read it but couldn't afford to buy it. I can't justify spending money on yet another book either. I have so many. But in my defense I have read them all. Anyway, I started reading it during my son's baseball practice, (which I went to before church and after working today). I'm in chapter three already and I can tell it is going to be wonderful. I have had trouble over the years discerning God's voice. Many times I have felt him speaking to me and yet there are other times, when I'm not so sure. This book is just what I need right now. I have many things that I have left in God's hands recently and I'm waiting for direction and answers.
But I know what happened. Besides the everyday stuff I mentioned above. I volunteer in the bookstore after service on Wednesday nights (yes, I know, it's just one more thing on my plate), but seriously I can't help myself. Even if I didn't volunteer, I'd be there after service anyway. It's a bookstore. And that's not what made me upset. To make a long store short, an old wound was opened up tonight. It was something that happened during a conversation with the woman who volunteers with me. The original conflict was with her to. My mood instantly went south, which has lead to this foul mood I'm in now. I really thought it was behind me. Now I'm sitting here wondering if it ever was. It was difficult to get past. It was really just a difference of opinion about a book. It shouldn't make that much difference. But sitting here rehashing it I've realized the reason why it is still haunting me. What if she is right? What if the book really isn't what I thought it was? What if I'm wrong? What if she is smarter than me and I don't really know that as much about God as I thought? What if, What if, What if....
I don't think I'm wrong. I have to stop thinking that she has to be wrong. Even if she is right, I know what I learned and gained from reading it and it helped me. I believe God can use anything to reach us and I think that is what he did. So why does it matter what someone else thinks? Because of my twisted sinful heart that needs to be right, and my need to somehow feel like I'm just as smart as her. She just happens to be one of those people who can quote scripture very easily and always seems to have to perfect Godly answer for everything.
I'm so disappointed in myself that I'm still upset over this. After all that I have been through with God to get me to this point, that I would still be harboring these feelings about an incident that happened two years ago is just sad. Will I ever get it right?
Well, there's always eternity.
I guess I'm back to prayer again. It seems to be a reoccuring theme lately. It's the only way I will truly get past this. I need to pray and seek God's voice in this. He will give me whatever confirmation I need, good or bad. What He says is all that matters.
I think I just came full circle back to the book I'm reading.